The Education of Mary Winchester
by AngstAngstAngstLove
Summary: Set after 12x03. Mary goes to find herself, and along the way she finds out everything that her boys' haven't told her about their lives in her absence. (AKA, Mary reads the Winchester Gospels)
1. Chapter 1

It had nearly killed her to leave her sons the way that she did. It had to be done, she needed time to process everything that was happening and she wasn't going to get that time with Sam going out of his way to make her comfortable and Dean watching her every move like a hawk. She didn't intend to abandon them, though she knew they probably wouldn't see things the same way-she had a feeling that the list of those who cared about and looked after those boys was small and that her leaving may cause an irreparable rift in the trust they had bestowed upon her. But to be completely honest, if she stayed one more night in that bunker, she was in danger of taking drastic measures to get a break, and she didn't want to put that sort of burden on her children.

It was a lot to take in. She was dead, then in heaven, now on earth. Her boys were grown men, worn and weary due to the lives they'd experienced. Lives they'd experienced because of her, because of the demon deal she made. What had she been thinking? How could her sons even stand to look at her, knowing she sold their family out before they were even born?

She had intended to walk until she found somewhere to go, but she had only been on the road for five minutes when she heard the rumble of an engine behind her. She stopped, knowing it had to be one of her boys, since they were well-secluded in their home and therefore were no other options. Taking a deep breath to steady herself and preparing for an argument about why she had to go, she turned to face them as the engine turned off.

It was Sam, looking pained and anxious. Even standing over six feet tall, he somehow managed to look small and contrite, like a child who was caught misbehaving and was worried about the reprimand that was to follow. He stepped out of the truck, and her hunter instincts picked up the slight tremble of his hands as he approached.

"Sam, I-"

"No, I get it. Really, I do." Sam said quickly, holding his hands up in a show of compliance, "Believe me, I understand what you're doing better than anyone."

He took a few steps towards her, hesitating slightly, "I, uh, I just thought you'd like to take a set of wheels. It's not really safe for a pretty girl to be walking around late at night, even if you are trained to protect yourself. And you're going to need money."

Mary raised an eyebrow at her youngest child as he pulled out his wallet and opened the bill flap, taking everything he had and holding it out to her. She was taken aback by his generosity, she hadn't expected either boy to make her exit easier, especially after they had both expressed how wonderful it was to have her back in their lives. She started to protest, but Sam's facial expressions changed from apprehensive to determined and she knew she wouldn't win this battle. And she did need money, she had been appalled by how expensive food was when they had gotten take out. The last time she bought fast food, it had been a meal from Burger King and for a burger, fries and drink she had spent less than $3. Now the same meal was closer to $6 and she didn't even want to think about how much a motel room would cost. Or gas.

"I'll make this up to you." Mary spoke quietly,reaching up to cup Sam's cheek, "This isn't forever, Sammy, I just need a little time."

"I know. And we'll be here when, if, you decide to come back."

"Look out for your brother, okay? I have a feeling he won't take this as well as you are."

"Of course I will, it's my job." Sam reassured her as he held out the keys, "The truck isn't as fast or sleek as the Impala, but it's dependable and well-maintained. The oil was just changed and the tires were rotated and balanced a few weeks ago, so you should be good to go."

It shouldn't be like this. She shouldn't feel like a teenager being given the keys to the car for the first time. She should be taking care of him, not the other way around. She should have been rescuing them on the hunt, not having to get herself saved. How was she ever going to fit in and find herself when she felt like a stranger to her only remaining family? Starting to feel more than a bit anxious, she offered him a smile and took the keys, "Thanks, Sam. Do you want a lift back?"

Sam shook his head, a sad smile on his face, "I could use the walk to clear my head. I lo-uh, take care of yourself and don't hesitate to call if you need anything."

"I love you too, Sammy." Mary murmured quietly, walking to the truck with a heavy heart. He may understand her need to leave, but she could tell it still hurt him. She never wanted to hurt him this way.

Mary was surprised to find two packages sitting on the front seat, and when she opened them up, she felt a pang of remorse and guilt ripple through her. Sam had given her a laptop and a cell phone. On the laptop was a sticky note reading "These are practically necessities in 2016. Keep in touch."

Even though she had broken their hearts, her boys were still looking out for her. While she felt a flicker of warmth inside at the gesture, it was overshadowed by anguish and self-loathing. What was she doing to these kids? It wasn't as if she could go back to them right now, especially now, since the gesture proved that she would never be able to process this information alone if the boys were nearby. But at the same time, she wanted to get to know these two men, the people her little boys had grown up to be. How could anyone fill in those sort of gaps, though?

With a heavy heart, she put the truck into drive and went out in search of a hotel.

Once settled, she turned on the laptop computer, still a bit overwhelmed by this advanced technology that she had only just been introduced to. She knew the basics from watching her boys, so she opened the internet and started to research. First, she typed in her old address and was able to find out John had sold it after her death and it had passed hands many times throughout the years, often with strange occurrences reported between sales. She then tried to type in names, finding that her aunts, uncles and cousins were all gone. Her favorite restaurant in Lawrence was still standing, and she briefly contemplated driving there just for a bit of familiarity and comfort. Her friends were gone, obituaries for each acting as a dagger to her heart. Was there anything left of her life?

On a whim, she decided to try the boys' names. Typing in 'Dean Winchester' pulled up many news articles, apparently the world knew him as a dangerous fugitive, but nothing that couldn't be explained by their hunting lifestyle. They said he was a murderer, and she knew that was not true; she may not have been by their side for the last 33 years, but she knew them well enough to know they weren't cold-blooded killers. The fact that Dean hadn't gone nuclear on the British Men of Letters chick was a testament to his humanity. Typing in 'Sam Winchester' pulled up some news articles as well, depicting him of similar crimes that Dean had been accused of. More interesting, though, were articles from Palo Alto, California. Pictures of a beautiful blonde student who had burned in her apartment, her roommate/boyfriend who had survived.

His girlfriend had died in a fire, just like she had. Her heart ached for her son and what he had been through.

When she typed in "Sam and Dean Winchester", though, she hit jackpot. A book series, written by someone named Carver Edlund, with summaries very consistent with what she knew about her children and hunting. What if these were true? She had the option to buy them online, but no credit card, so she used the internet to find a bookstore that carried them. An hour later, she had bought the entire set with the cash Sam had given her. It only took reading the first few pages to know they were accurate.

This felt like snooping, but was it really snooping if anyone could access these novels? Ethics aside, she knew that learning more about her grown sons would help her heal and get to a place where she felt comfortable around them. Settling against a pillow, she began to read book number one.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Dean had told Mary that Sam had gotten out of the life, that he had gone to college and was living a normal life-the type of life Mary had wanted them to have. She hadn't been able to wrap her mind around him choosing to come back to hunting after having a taste of the freedom of civilian life. Of course, Dean had left out all of the grisly details about why Sam had returned. Having the whole story helped validate her son's choice, she had to admit she would have done the same. She couldn't imagine how her boys felt when their only remaining parent had disappeared without a trace, his journal left behind. She thought back on the betrayed look on Dean's face when she told him she needed some time away, and he had only had her back for days. To be more or less abandoned by the person who raised him had to have stung. A lot. She stretched, her back tight and stomach growling. She had a few chapters left of the first novel, but she had been engrossed in the book for hours and was starving. She decided there was no harm in reading how the case wrapped up while grabbing a bite to eat.

Next door to her hotel was a 24-hour diner, which meant unlimited coffee and home-cooking. Both of those sounded marvelous, and Mary slipped on her shoes, making sure she had her book along with the second in the series to pass the time while she waited on her food. While these two men were not the little kids she fondly remembered, she couldn't help but feel closer to them while reading these details about their lives, the words they had spoken and bond they shared. She could see a bit of herself and John in each of the boys, and as she laughed at a smartass comment or felt a pang of emotion at the circumstances of their adventure, she realized she was starting to miss her two grown boys, the ones she had spent most of her time with since returning to life. Maybe she'd be able to adjust to life on earth again, after all.

She slid into an empty booth, scanning the menu and opting for coffee and the daily special, chicken fried steak. After placing her order with the bubbly waitress, Mary opened up the book to see if Sam and Dean had finished off the Woman in White. It was hard to picture them as young hunters, still undamaged by the lifestyle and fairly normal 20-somethings. Dean seemed more carefree and playful, Sam more innocent with a twinge of teenager still left in him. It was how she would have imagined her sons to be at 22 and 26, minus the murderous ghost. The two men in their thirties were completely different, and it caused a flurry of butterflies in her stomach every time she imagined what could have happened to turn them into hard and cold hunters. Was it losing John? Was it worse?

The waitress brought Mary her coffee, and the blonde took a sip before turning her attention back to the book. Sam had just been encountered by the Woman in White and was trying to convince her that he wasn't a cheater. It made Mary smile to know that even in her absence, her boy had been raised well enough to be faithful. She had liked reading about Jessica, she wondered if there would be more of her and what had happened to end the relationship. Sammy had seemed pretty serious about her, but oftentimes a life of hunting got in the way of romance. Secrets weren't healthy for relationships and hunting wasn't exactly an 8-5 job where you could gripe about your work assignments while kicking back with a cold one.

By the time her food arrived, the case had been wrapped up and Dean was trying to convince Sam to stay with him. She could only imagine that Sam relented, since they clearly were hunting now, so she bookmarked the page (only 20 pages left!) and dug into her food. It was lonely eating alone, and she found herself thinking about an adult Dean stuffing his face like a teenager while Sam watched, amused. She had wanted time away, but Mary was also really missing them. They may not be the boys she remembered, but they were the only version of her boys available and she was accustomed to seeing her boys nonstop.

As if reading her thoughts, her phone dinged and she stared at it for a moment, trying to figure out what the ding meant.

'One new message'. She pushed the notification and a message appeared on the screen, the sender being labelled as Dean. This new technology was brilliant and frustrating, but she was slowly getting the hang of it, which was good since apparently no one used phones for talking anymore.

 _-Got everything you need?_

Mary smiled warmly, pleased that her oldest hadn't completely written her off after their painful goodbye. She had really hoped she hadn't burned that bridge all the way across, and it seemed like there was still a chance to save their relationship. Pressing a few buttons, she finally figured out how to respond.

 _Yes, Dean, Sam gave me some money and a truck and I am settled into a hotel. Are you boys okay?_

She pressed send and waited for a response while she settled her bill with the waitress. After a few minutes, her phone dinged again and she looked down, disappointed by the short response.

 _-Aces._

Well, that was informative and honest. Maybe mending the damage between her and Dean wouldn't be as easy as she thought. Gathering her books, she made her way back to her hotel room and settled back in on her bed, excited to see a resolution, curious to see what Dean said to make Sam want to stay and hunt and leave his college life behind.

Ten minutes later, she was sobbing. She hadn't expected to read about Sam's girlfriend's death in such detail and, quite frankly, thought it was something Dean should have mentioned when he talked about Sam coming back into hunting. Her poor Sammy-it wasn't enough to have his mother burn to death over his crib, but now his girlfriend as well? The articles she had seen before about the apartment fire had been lacking in detail, and now knowing how much her son loved this girl and the circumstances of her death his transition back into hunting made much more sense; he was driven by the passion for revenge that led John to this life as well. She supposed while she and Dean had a lot in common, perhaps Sam and John did, as well. Wiping her eyes and wanting nothing more than to give Sammy another hug even though this had happened over a decade ago, she pulled out the cell phone and sent another message to Dean.

 _You should have told me about Jessica._

Eager to learn more, she opened the second book while waiting for Dean to respond. It only took moments before she got three messages in rapid succession.

 _-How did you know?  
-Are you safe? Is anyone there with you?_

 _-Did you find those damn books?!_

Oh, so Dean was aware of the books written about the Winchesters.

 _Yes, I did. Is this a problem?_

 _-Mom, you can't read those._

 _Why?_

 _-Because_

 _That's a weak argument._

 _-Mom, we have sex in those books._

Mary cringed, not wanting to think about her sons that way, but still craving knowledge and needing to know the full story.

 _I'll skip over those parts._

 _-MOM!_

 _I need this, Dean. Please try to understand._

 _-Of course. Just don't look at those pages, ok? Call us if you need anything._

Mary turned her attention to the book for a moment before picking up the phone again. She wanted to talk to Sam, to apologize for being the catalyst that put all of this into motion. If she hadn't made that deal, Jessica would still be alive-after all, it couldn't be a coincidence that Jessica burned the same way she did. It had to be the demon. Her finger hovering over Sam's name on her contacts list, she chickened out and put it back down on her bed. She had put those boys through enough by walking away, she certainly didn't need to rip band aids off of old wounds, too. Besides, this was just book one. She was certain there would be many things they'd need to talk about later.

Little did she know, her oldest boy had come to the same conclusion.

-0-0-0-0-0-

The bunker felt hollow and empty after Mary's departure, as if the building itself missed the guest who hadn't stayed nearly long enough. Tension had been running high since Mary left. Sam had immediately taken off after her in spite of the extremely angry and vocal protest of "just let her go if she wants to go!" from Dean, whose judgement was too impaired by emotion to employ logic at the moment. When he returned, Dean was sitting at the table with several beers, reflecting over what had happened.

"Did you find her?"

Sam nodded, his voice tight and thick when he responded, "I did. I left her the truck and gave her some cash. She couldn't just go out there with nothing."

Damn it, Dean hated when Sam was right. He hesitated, waiting until Sam had sat down across from him to ask, "Did you give her a card? She'll need one at some point."

Sam swore lightly, looking absolutely heartbroken that he hadn't thought of that. He tapped his fingers anxiously on the table, glancing towards the door and wishing he had been more thorough. "We can track her down. I gave her one of my old phones, the one we used to use for an FBI number way back when, and we can just have the GPS turned on and bring one to her."

"She'd hate that." Dean replied, knowing she'd feel even more smothered by them if they showed up where she had escaped to. He knew he'd feel the same if it happened to him, and over the last few days he had learned he and his mother were a lot more alike than he had ever hoped to be. "We'll wait. If she gets in a bind, she'll call us. She has to, she won't be able to get ahold of anyone else."

"But, what if-"

"I really don't want to talk about Mom right now." Dean said gruffly, cracking open another beer and sliding it across to his brother, "No emo chick moments, no heartfelt 'could have beens', I don't even want to hear her name. This has been a craptastic day."

"But-"

"Shut up, Sam." Dean interrupted, pushing his chair back from the table, "I'm going take a shower, don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

Sam wanted to argue that trying to help their mother was far from stupid, but deep down he knew that Dean was right. Mary would resent them if they showed up on her doorstep without warning and he wasn't even 100% sure she knew how to work a cell phone, so he was apprehensive to call. Knowing Dean wasn't going to come back after his shower-it had been an excuse to leave before they talked about anything remotely close to what had just happened-Sam decided he'd be more comfortable in his own room and retreated to the confines of his room to think this through in private.

Instead of anything productive coming from his solitude, such as a plan to fix this mess, all Sam could do was wonder what he had done wrong. Why hadn't she wanted to stay with them? He understood feeling like a third wheel and what it was like to be treated with kid gloves on a hunt, but they had just been looking out for her and trying to adjust to having a new hunting partner. Everyone was still trying to find their place on the team, their footing on this unfamiliar territory. Had he treated her too much like a kid sister and not enough like a mom? Was it because he had gotten emotional with her? Did it drive her away? What could he possibly have done different to make her want to stay?

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Dean's shower was quick and he was relieved that Sam hadn't stuck around waiting for him, he just wanted to put Mary out of his mind. Grabbing another beer from the fridge, he retreated to his room. His plans were simple and straightforward; he was going to drink his beer and once the memories of his mother's departure were numbed a bit he was going to try and sleep the rest of it away. Maybe he'd wake up tomorrow and find out this had all been a dream.

To be fair, he gave himself hours of tossing and turning before he decided it wasn't going to happen. He couldn't turn his brain off, Mary's face in his mind as soon as his eyes closed. It hurt. He knew she needed time and he even understood why, but he couldn't help but feel like he was to blame. He had intruded on her case and tried to protect and shield her from danger, which probably made her feel pretty inadequate when she had been a hunter her entire life. He just didn't want to see her get hurt, he didn't want to lose her again. A lot of good it did, though, since she walked out the first chance she had.

Everyone always left him, and it never got easier to process and forget. He never got used to the feeling of rejection and the ache deep inside of him that came with the goodbye speech. It reminded him of Sammy, 17 and misty-eyed when he broke the news to his family that he was going to college, that he was going to try to live a normal life and find out who he really was. It reminded him of their father, insisting that it was too dangerous to hunt together when it really just felt like he didn't want his kids tagging along because they'd only hold him back. He was sick of people trying to find themselves and leaving him behind, for once he just wanted to have a good thing that lasted awhile.

Eventually he couldn't take it anymore and Dean reached for his phone, sending his mother a text under the pretense of checking in, even though he already knew she had been taken care of by Sam. It was really just an excuse to interact with her again, and the relief he felt when she returned the message was worth taking the risk. A handful of messages later, though, he realized they possibly had a much bigger problem on their hands. If Mary was reading Chuck's books, she'd know _everything_. They had both done things they were not proud of, experienced things they never wanted her to find out about, and she was about to read it all. What if she read it all and realized her boys were far from the men she had hoped they'd turn into? What if it drove them even further away? Suddenly a heart-to-heart with Sam didn't seem like as bad of an idea as it did earlier.

He opened Sam's door without knocking, knowing that there was no way his brother had been able to unwind enough to sleep after working the case and their mom dropping that bombshell on them. Without preamble, before Sam could even ask what the urgency was, Dean blurted out, "Mom bought the books."

"What books?" Sam asked, dumbfounded by Dean's presence and statement. "What are you talking about?"

" _The books._ " Dean reiterated, this time with a look that basically read 'you're an idiot'.

Sam was still and silent for a moment before fully comprehending what Dean was trying to say. When he finally did piece that puzzle together, though, he felt just as horrified as Dean looked. There was no way this would end well. Demon deals, demon _blood_ , the apocalypse, his powers...there was so much information in there that could easily turn away any hunter that happened across them. Not to mention the stuff a mother should never know, such as their romantic flings, nameless sex...oh God, the sex...They were so screwed.

To be continued...


End file.
